Understanding both how to ask for help and how to support others in the workplace is crucial — in that it contributes significantly to the cultivation of a positive culture. There is something truly empowering in being able to assist others where and when help is needed. I'm not merely talking about checking a box in your list of KPI goals so you can qualify for your bonus; I mean genuinely providing assistance. Similarly, receiving help when you need it the most, from someone who doesn’t expect anything in return, can be truly transformative. However, not everyone understands what it means to extend assistance and support their colleagues in a meaningful way, and conversely, not everyone understands what it takes to be able to ask for assistance. These are two important life skills that are often overlooked.
In this write-up as well as a few more to come, I invite you to read, pause, and reflect on what it truly means to Lead with Empathy — from my point of view, at least. But before we delve in, please allow me to share an experience with you.
In my initial role as an Engineer, transitioning from a Graphic/Web Design position at an Agency, I was engulfed in trepidation. That I was somehow going to stand out as the fraud I thought I was. How dare I teach myself how to code using free online material, and have the audacity to call Computer Science graduates my equals. I honestly didn’t feel like I belonged among such brilliant minds. Yes I was determined to prove to both myself and others that I wasn't bad a programmer. That I was willing to put the work in and earn my seat. However, I don’t think my line manager at the time was prepared to make the transition easy for me.
I recall numerous instances where I struggled with my code, and he would swoop in from nowhere, offering suggestions and quoting profound extracts from Uncle Bob’s Clean Code manual with great prowess and confidence. “Don’t do this, it violates principle XYZ” and sometimes from the other end of the office, “You are spending too much time on that, please ask for help if you are getting stuck”. Perhaps this was his way of helping or offering assistance, but each intervention left me feeling less supported, less confident in my abilities, and increasingly anxious in my role. Pair programming felt like practical exams I needed to have studied for, and code reviews felt like a witch-hunt. I reached a point where I began to dread coming to work, to the extent that it started taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I wasn’t sleeping enough because I was spending my nights overcompensating for the CS degree I hadn’t earned.
Fast forward to 2024, and I find myself in a leadership position in a FinTech with millions of customers sending and receiving money across 3 continents, and fortunate to have gained experiences that can ease the transition journey for others. Yet, I observe in some of my peers what I once experienced with my line manager all those years ago. Therefore, with the goal of nurturing a new generation of leaders who prioritise empathy, I wish to share some of the insights I've gathered over the years — both as someone who needed guidance and as someone from whom guidance is expected.
Before we delve into how to offer help, let's take a brief moment to understand why we ask for it.
Why do we ask for help?
There are probably as many reasons for seeking help as there are individuals from whom we can seek it. Meaning, There are numerous diverse motivations or circumstances that lead people to seek assistance or support. We are probably more likely to ask for help in environments where we feel we might receive it. Beyond the social aspect of collaborating in the workplace to get things done, we seek help for a myriad of psychological reasons.
Perhaps as a coping mechanism for workplace pressures. Expressing vulnerability to a fellow colleague, for example, allows us to regulate our emotions. The reciprocal response not only fosters a sense of belonging but makes us feel supported. Like we have an ally, and this feeling of support can alleviate the burden of thinking we need to face difficulties alone.
Perhaps we want to be validated in our thinking, or perhaps we want to express to others the desire to learn from them.
As you can see, there could be a lot of reasons for seeking help. Some obvious, and some not so much. But what is clear is that not everyone that asks for help is helpless.
As leaders, we have a responsibility that stretches beyond just assisting our colleagues past a deployment issue. We have a responsibility to ensure that our colleagues receive the help they need, instead of the help we think they want. This means really understanding the reason they came to you for help in the first place.
Being attuned to the needs of others goes beyond technical problem-solving; often, this is just the tip of the iceberg. It involves active listening, empathy, and a sincere effort to comprehend the underlying challenges. By taking the time to observe and understand someone's unique perspective, challenges and motivations, we can offer more targeted and meaningful support.
However, putting all of this into practice is easier said than done. That's why I've started working on a framework to assist me in my journey of understanding the true meaning of being a helpful colleague, brother, future husband, and father. Initially, I created a series of steps for my own use. However, after successfully applying these steps within my circles of influence and witnessing the positive effects they've had on my relationships, it would be selfish not to share them.
In my next write-up, I'll be introducing what I've come to call the OAREF framework. It's a practical framework that integrates elements of keen observation, active listening, relational empathy, collaborative engagement, and consistent follow-through. This framework offers a comprehensive approach to providing meaningful support to others. I can’t wait to share it with you!